Half Magic: Making Our First and Probably Last Movie

Heather Graham, the pretty actress from the Austin Powers and the Hangover movies has written her first screenplay. She has asked us to play ourselves as sex educators as she is also directing the movie called “Half Magic”. We are scheduled to go to NYC to do the small scene she cast us for, playing ourselves in June 2014. At the last minute the production money disappears so the production is put on the shelf.

It is now a year later and a new production company has taken over and they are filming in Los Angeles. Vera’s memory, which was very reduced last year is even less this year but she is game and we say yes to the offer.

A nice young Ethiopian driver who owns a number of Limousines picks us up at our home. He met his wife here and she is also Ethiopian and works the reservations side of the business. He speaks impeccable English and has only been here for five years.

The plane leaves on time. We do not see our driver after arriving. We call the Limousine service and we get a call from the driver who is close by. A Latino driver finally picks us up at the Long Beach airport. His name is Os. He had texted us but since our phone is a stupid phone we didn’t get the message. On the way to downtown LA Vera feels really warm and I have the chills. Our driver is a part time bible teacher and foolishly I goad him on and he starts preaching to us. Vera is not feeling well and looks like she will throw up. We give her a plastic bag but she just spits into it. She said she felt much better after a few minutes and she is no longer so warm.

The hotel is the Los Angeles Athletic Club. It is quite old and the lighting is very dark. There is a small TV that you have to strain your neck to watch. We are out of sorts and hungry. We put away our stuff. At least we are on the tenth floor and it is a quiet room. We are going to eat at the hotel restaurant but a guy in the elevator recommends a place a block away. It is still fairly early and not busy. We split a large salad and eat some bread after first rejecting it. I did not want Vera to eat much in case she got nauseous again. We have been gluten free most of the time but the bread looked so good. It was really good bread and so was the olive oil.

Our call time was noon the next day and the production driver was to pick us up at 11:45. We walked around the neighborhood in the AM after a tasteless buffet breakfast at the hotel. At least it is free. Lots of new big buildings going up with huge cranes in downtown LA. The old buildings do not seem in very good shape. The sidewalks smelled like piss and cigarettes. The driver came early and we got to the studio by 11:30. We passed a lot of homeless people or really tent people as they all seemed to have little tents. It was like a refugee camp or maybe the last of the Indians were pushed to LA, only most of the people we saw were dark skinned. It was a humbling experience and had me appreciate our hotel room and our breakfast.

The shoot was in this old and run down loft building with a couple trailers for makeup and wardrobe in the parking lot. They were setting up for lunch in the parking lot as we arrived. We were brought to the second floor and put in a room with old furniture and drab conditions. They offered us separate rooms as it is part of the SAG (Screen Actors Guild) contract. One is plenty for us. They had us sign some papers and gave us some expense money. We could hear the voices of the filming in a room close by. They were shooting a pleasure course and someone was yelling about loving her pussy and then a lot of voices would repeat whatever she said.

Then we were taken downstairs to the trailer for makeup. On the way we bumped into Christiane Northrup our friend and the person responsible for us doing this movie. She had just finished filming a scene. Quick hugs and down the stairs. Joseph a friendly young man did Vera’s hair. Another nice young woman did Vera’s face makeup at the same time. That was entertaining. I was perfect as is so they left me alone. Vera looked beautiful.

Then we went over to the next trailer, which was wardrobe. They checked what we had brought with us and offered a couple pretty robes to Vera and she selected a pretty red one plus a pair of slippers. I was still perfect as is.

As we were returning to the building all the cast, extras, filming crew and staff came down the steps to get in line for lunch. There were a lot of pretty women including a couple of friends from Facebook parading down the stairs to lunch. We met Heather who was very receptive and gave us nice hugs. She introduced us to the producers and three of the costars including Molly Shannon of SNL fame, Stephanie Beatriz from TV’s Brooklyn 99 and Angela Kinsey from TV’s The Office. We hugged some more and they said we could cut into the food line as we were higher on the totem pole than the extras. Being an equalitarian I did not like that idea of a caste system (pun intended), but once we were in the back of the line they pushed us to the front anyway. Lunch was excellent with salad, asparagus, chicken, tritip and more. We sat with a couple of the extras but not much conversation as everyone was hungry.

We went back to our room. They all had to wait for Christiane to come back from some other lunch she went to. They had to finish the morning scene. Once she got back they quickly regrouped. This time we walked into the filming room, which was a large loft. There was a small stage and a bunch of lights and guys with cameras. A lot of the pretty girls we had seen come down the stairs earlier were standing near the stage all wearing pink boas. Heather came over to us and offered for us to watch from the far side of the room where the monitors and directors chairs were set up. We got to sit with the crew.

Molly Shannon was on stage leading the class, which was about loving your pussy. She was hysterical as she was jumping around and making big gestures towards her pussy, dancing around maniacally. The class had to copy her motions almost like playing “Simon Says”. She had to do the scene over and over again, each time was a little different yet thoroughly entertaining. You could tell that Heather was enjoying her work.

They finally finished the scene. Heather went over our lines before we got changed (actually only Vera had to change) for our roles. I was having a hard time as I base my timing on what I am doing with Vera’s pussy. We went back to our room for Vera to change and wait to be called in. They come and get us after about another half hour.

We are next to the stage where Christiane and Molly are standing introducing us as famous authors of sex. Molly brings us on stage and I take Vera’s slippers off and she lays down on this massage table. We have to rearrange it to our specifications with pillows and towels to put under Vera’s legs etc. We redo the introduction a few times as we get on and off the stage and Vera does not put her slippers back on again. I say a few lines including the line I just coined last week. “Pussies are like snowflakes. No two are alike. With enough heat they all melt.” Yes. I thinkI nailed it.  I spread Vera’s labia and she is ready to go, having strong visual contractions. I am pleased. Each time before we begin filming someone holds a board in front of us and they say “Action, Speak“. I talk some more and they have me talk to a spot where the audience will be standing. They have also given me a microphone that dangles from my shirt to my ankle. I apply some lubrication to Vera’s introitus and she continues to get off really well. They had to hide the name Albolene on the jar of lubricant and changed it to BOLE by crossing out some letters as they did not have permission to show it.

I say another couple of lines and then they say. “Cut. You are done.” I felt I was just getting rolling. “I have not gotten to Vera’s clitoris” I say.

Heather says, “You did great. That was enough.” Vera changes back into her street clothes but I am wearing the same on and off the set. We come back to the big loft where they are filming. First they wanted me to read my lines but then some other guy does that as they film the reaction in the crowd, specifically Heather, Angela and Stephanie as they respond to what we were doing.

They do that a few times and we are ready to go but Molly wants to say good-bye so we wait some more. Finally they finish and Molly comes over and hugs us. She tells us how great we are and we tell her how much we enjoyed her antics. She wants a photo with us so someone takes a couple photos of the three of us with her personal camera. They gave us the big jar of BOLE on our way out and I just stick it into our carry on luggage.

We go back to the hotel and it is about 7 PM. We are hungry so we go to this Japanese restaurant called The Octopus that is a few blocks away that we had passed the evening before and a patron said that it was excellent. I order more food than usual and we have a nice waitress and the food comes fast. We ordered some octopus salad plus sushi, salmon, mussels and seaweed salad and other stuff. The food is OK but I eat fast and furious and so does Vera. I forget that the basketball playoff game with the Warriors is on TV. After eating I look around and notice a big screen TV with the game on, right behind me. It is half time, so I cant see the score. Then I notice an even bigger giant screen TV over my right shoulder behind me. I usually notice my environment but I guess we were fried from the movie set and our hunger. We are back down to earth at this point. We walk back to our hotel and watch the second half. The Warriors win in overtime.

The next day we have the buffet breakfast at the hotel again that is again  tasteless but they are at least consistent with that and it is  free. We take another walk, a little nicer than the day before. We see one block from our hotel is a Tender Greens restaurant that is one of our favorites in Walnut Creek. I did not know there were franchises. We walk into the Biltmore Hotel that is famous for events and movie stars. The place is old but is kept up well. The ceiling looks like one is in a huge church. Vera pees in one of the bathrooms and almost gets lost but I find her. We have lunch at Tender Greens and we are like the second customers. It gets really crowded after a short while. We try their octopus salad and it is very tasty, much better than the previous night. 2 Octopi in less than 24 hours. I have not lost my taste buds thank goodness.

A young man from the Production Company picks us up at the hotel and we get to the airport in plenty of time. We get put in the special TSA Pre Boarding line so we don’t have to remove our shoes or jackets. After we are through a woman stops us and asks if we have any sharp objects in our luggage. I can’t think of any. They open the suitcase and find The “BOLE” lubricant that I had stuck in there. They say that it is too big to carry on. I tell them that it is just a souvenir prop from a movie we just filmed. She said she has to check with her supervisor. She comes back and says that we can take it with us if we get patted down. I am fine with that. The first guy she asks to pat me down thinks it is foolish and says that she should just let us go. She gets another man to do it. I make it as fun as I can asking him to use more pressure on my neck like he is giving me a massage. They let us through.

The plane is delayed but the airport in Long Beach is old fashioned and very picturesque for an airport. It is mostly outdoors and we wait in a shady bench outside under a palm tree till the new plane arrives. We get to Oakland only an hour late and another Ethiopian driver picks us up. He is also very nice and has his own Limousine company. He says that there are a lot of Ethiopian drivers. Who knew? We get home with our movie career a thing of the past. Vera does not even remember going to LA but she did a fantastic job while she was there.